This weekend I plowed through yet another book on interpersonal skills. One of my clients is concerned that his direct reports do not like him, and he’d like to change that. Technically he’s brilliant. Interpersonally, not quite. And so before I gave it to him as a reading assignment, I spent time this weekend reading How to Make People like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicolas Boothman.

The Amazon.com editorial review says that the book is a modern-day update of Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, and I would agree.

However, as I read the book I thought about a sales coaching client I had a while back who felt it was beneath him to adapt his behavior to accommodate someone’s buying style. He felt such behavior was manipulation.

To anyone who would read Boothman’s or Carnegie’s books, on the surface it may appear that such techniques are manipulative (as opposed to motivating)—But they are not. As I have written many times before, a distinct difference exists between the two.

I would strongly encourage people to read my column on the difference between manipulation and motivation, but if you can’t do that, at least consider these differences:

 - Manipulation is thinking of a reason others will want to do something, and then convincing them of your correctness. 

-  Motivation is genuinely seeking out the wants, needs, and desires of the other party, and then working with the other party to find solutions that meet your needs … and theirs. 

Therefore, let me suggest that to successfully use Boothman’s techniques one needs a solid ethical foundation. I believe if we learn some of the techniques he presents AND we are ethical, we can quicken the time it takes to connect with others, and then we move ahead with finding mutually beneficial solutions via genuine, natural motivations and Win-Win Thinking.

In other words, to people like my cynical former client, it’s only manipulation if you really don’t care about what the other person wants.

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PS.  For a fast, fun read with a fresh perspective on the concept of motivation, I recommend checking out my book Living Toad Free. 

(Read chapter one to get a feel for what it’s about.) 

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Filed in Business, Opinion, Motivation, Management, Sales, Leadership, Selling