When workplace bullies spew their verbal trash it takes a lot of restraint to stay objective and professional. That is, if stress is defined as suppressing the urge to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately needs it. Basically, bullies can be hard to work for.

An article by Laura Morsch, Standing up to the office bully, gives four tips (two tips I’m okay with, two I’m not):

1. Don’t be rude in return.
2. Assume the best (assume he is unaware of how his actions are affecting you).
3. Separate intentions from outcome (say, “I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but when you say “x” it makes me uncomfortable.”
4. Start with the facts.

I would agree with tips # 1 and # 4, but I have a problem with # 2 and # 3.

Most bullies intentionally try to intimidate you because they see intimidation as a game – and it’s one they are driven to win, so it’s kind of hard to ‘assume the best’ (tip # 2). I think it’s sad that bullies see interaction as a game. It’s even sadder that they don’t feel sufficient unless they come out on top of every conversation.

Tip # 3 may actually be game playing in return. This suggestion would be better if it were stated “I’m not sure if you intended this, but . . . .”

Even then, we need to understand a bigger issue. One that undermines tips # 2 and # 3: A lot of bullies don’t care what you think or how you feel. Reaching a bully with reality usually requires showing them how their actions interfere with them achieving their own goals.

Therefore, I think the actions for managing the stress we get from workplace bullies are:
1. start (and stay) with the facts, and
2. show them how their actions and attitudes are affecting their own goals.

Most everything else is just a game to them.

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Filed in Work, Opinion, Management, Leadership, Teambuilding, Workplace