January 28, 2:57 pm
Workplace Bullying: A Starting Point for Stopping It
This morning I received a ‘help request’ from someone being sabotaged through workplace bullying.
The writer (let’s call her Tonya) described a manipulative peer’s behavior, and sure enough it was a bull’s eye definition of passive-aggressiveness and bullying:
“She’s a peer, but she says she should be my boss and she wants to fire me. She gets degrading when nobody else is around and she sabotages my work. When I take this to the boss—and I have several times—he’ll call her in. But she plays all nicey-nice with him and says there’s nothing wrong – that I must be imagining things.”
People in Tonya’s shoes are up against one of the most frustrating problems in the workplace. And while a lot of opinions (both personal and professional) could be offered from across a wide spectrum, here’s what I gave Tonya for a starting point:
1. Read Harriet Braiker’s book, Who’s Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Take Control of Your Life.
2. Read Laura Crawshaw’s book, Taming the Abrasive Manager: How to End Unnecessary Roughness in the Workplace.
3. Read a column I wrote entitled Stand Your Ground With Manipulators.
Laura Crawshaw suggests an innovative approach she calls boss whispering.
What’s Boss Whispering?
Maybe you’ve heard of horse whispering: Focusing on the horse’s perspective and bringing a horse around by understanding horse thinking patterns — and adjusting your behaviors to get the horse to align with you.
I don’t raise horses, but I have trained dogs, and it’s a similar approach. You have to learn to think like a dog. You have to “get into their paws,” see things from their dog-pack perspective, and make the behavioral choices that lead the dog to do what you want.
In the same way, understanding the mindset of manipulators and bullies is the first step.
Oh, by the way:
As I mention in my article, people who manipulate often behave this way out of self-preservation. It doesn’t justify their behavior, but at least — as a boss whisperer — you can understand the root cause of it all. Knowing that someone is not intentionally being mean can help a lot in terms of persevering through the trial.
If you have been in Tonya’s shoes, what has worked for you?
Filed in Management, Leadership, Team Building, Workplace, Corporate Culture, Coaching
IHi
My name is Ed and I am with the site administratio for www.bullybgone.com. I saw your article and felt I could make a few suggestions for Tanya.
1. You need to document everything ( Dates times, places , who, what where, when, why, and How(Express how it made you feel).
2. File a writen complaint to your manager or HR department.
3. Sometimes a face to face with the bully, yourself and a trained mediator can resolve the situation.( if it were niped in the bud early enough. )
4.Consult with your Famly Doctor on a regular basis and be honest about all ailments and your work stress situation.
5. Consult with a second Dr and be honest about all ailments but do not mention your work situation. ( If this second Dr. attributes any of your ailments to stress, you can then be assured that this is the cause of your ailment. and with out bias.
6. Do all the research you can. Access information from Tim Fields ( an Expert in workplace Bullying. ) you should be able to find helpfull information on our website, along with some resources.
7. If you are not getting anywhere with your employer, it may be time to look for other work ( even if you love your job)
8. Even if you do find other work, this dose not mean that it won’t happen again. research the tools you need to fight back and protect yourself.
9. Remember you are not alone in this. Join a group or start one.
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I think Ed’s January 29th comment makes some good points. Point #8 is especially significant. In Harriet Braiker’s book Who’s Pulling Your Strings, she points out that while some people develop manipulation skills just to survive, others have developed behavioral patterns of being open to being manipulated.
Be aware! Just like the person who marries the “same person” three different times (different people, but always with the same personality), we can be drawn to a particular type of work environment because our internal wiring is an easy mark for manipulators.
People need to learn about these tendencies within themselves and make conscious choices to avoid manipulating environments.
In other words, as Ed’s point implies, don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire! Study — and guard against falling into the same circumstances.